


so yes, i bite the bait that is called pain

by meananimagus



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Existential Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt, i love them, i'm sorry i hurt minwon, they deserve happiness, wonwoo best boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:55:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25144252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meananimagus/pseuds/meananimagus
Summary: and as the snowflakes stream down like raindrops from the glum skies, wonwoo's fight slips in between the gaps of his fingers like a sand.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	so yes, i bite the bait that is called pain

it was like walking through a bottomless path with no set destination ahead, perhaps, not even a narrow end is visible, awaiting. he steps, steps and steps, strides more endless steps, the path can't seem to stop, he can't seem to stop. probably, because once he did, once he attempted to take a rest, or even just commit a momentary halt, the path will vanish, disappear or worse, the path will compress unrelentlessly, squeezing him in, leaving him with no space left to breathe, suffocating him, until he would be left drowning in nothing else but air.

it's like trying to stay underwater gearless, with a rope tied around his frail ankles, a huge anchor pulling his feet down from the other end, slowly, tormenting, mercilessly dragging him down the infinite water, dark and terrifying. his skinny limbs wailing but with no use. because he's all alone. no one will see him. no one will save him.

loving mingyu is a hard labor. difficult, painful. it sucks all the emotions out of wonwoo's being, draining him until he can no longer give away any piece of himself because he has nothing left. for him, loving mingyu hurts, like fire against bare skin, burning him alive. like needles prickling bones. like hell. however, the most painful part there is seems to be that despite all the trembling lips that refuses to let out a sob, despite the breaking of his heart after his chest felt like it has been ripped apart, despite the unrequited yet unconditional feelings he has, wonwoo still keeps on going, he still, madly loves mingyu with everything that he has, with everything that he can offer and everything that he can't but will go to lengths to provide because he's willing to do anything for the man he loves. even if he can't. he's stupid and mingyu is an idiot who doesn't even know.

wonwoo loves the rain. when the cold drops lands to his face, soaking his lashes and brows and gives his eyes shade, gives him concealment, gives him protection. the water hiding the endless tears dripping down his cheeks, falling down among the raindrops to the cemented cold streets.

wonwoo loves the rain whenever he spots mingyu with minghao, the latter's arms around the taller, pressing his face against his chest, squeezing his arms tight around mingyu's waist, with so much love. it's painful. and wonwoo's heart breaks into million pieces when mingyu buries his face against minghao's neck, returning the hug just as tight.

wonwoo loves the dark. the darkness of the world when it strikes midnight. the calm and silence. the loneliness. he loves the dark whenever it gives him the freedom to stare at mingyu's peaceful, sleeping face. out of everyone's sight, without the younger's knowledge. he loves it when nighttime arrives and mingyu comes home to him. slips beside him, and sleeps like he's on his bed, as if his own isn't empty cold from the other corner of the room.

wonwoo loves the pain.

wonwoo loves the pain that comes from loving someone who doesn't feel the same way towards him and would never do, who doesn't even have the slightest idea of how his heart breaks everytime mingyu does so much as flash a small smile towards him, knowing to himself it's nothing but friendly, platonic, because that's all they ever will be. everytime mingyu touches him, holds his hand, his gaze soft, maybe as soft as how a younger brother looks at his siblings. tragic.

wonwoo never wants to let people know. never wants to let mingyu know. he doesn't want anyone finding out. he can live with the pain, alone. if he can't, he'd rather take his feelings to death buried with him. but as long as no one knows, he's certain to himself, it's fine. it's alright. everything is going to be okay.

no one wants to love someone like wonwoo anyway. and no one wants to be loved by him either.

a broken boy. depressed, suicidal, a boy who's long been lost his own self, who has the highest tendency of jumping off a bridge or hanging himself whenever an opportunity comes. no one wants someone like him. shattered, lost, eternally damaged. like a curse, a waste of space, a burden. that even a dust matters more than he does. in his entire life, his parents made sure he knew that.

they made sure that wonwoo knows he doesn't deserve to be loved, nor to love.

"you're thinking again." seungcheol spoke from beside him, breaking his endless flow of thoughts, saving him, like he always does, before he completely drowns in his sea of demons.

"i can't not think." wonwoobmumbled. somehow guilty for being caught red-handed, for always breaking his promise to seungcheol to let the older know whenever those moments come to him. he feels more like a burden. a bother. for always worrying seungcheol when the older should focus on himself instead because wonwoo doesn't matter, he isn't worth wasting time for, especially when it's seungcheol's.

"wonwoo, you matter." seungcheol's voice broke slightly at the end of the sentence, his eyes looking straight to wonwoo's own pair, teary, pained, like it's breaking him that the younger thinks so low about himself. wonwoo doesn't even know he thought out loud and he gets mad at himself for the way seungcheol is reacting.

"you're goddamn worthy of my time, of everyone's. you matter so much to me that it hurts when you do that." seungcheol has started crying, and wonwoo hates himself even more. for the tears his hyung wastes for him. wonwoo averts his gaze, suddenly pouring his undivided attention towards his worn-out sneakers.

"hyung, do you think it's gonna snow tomorrow?" he noticed seungcheol deflate, sighing, upset. wonwoo acknowledges the fact that he's an absolute asshole. but he doesn't know how to make things right. he's sorry for being the way that he is and he doesn't have an ounce of an idea of how to say just how apologetic he is. for being himself. for existing.

"tonight. the forecast said the first snow will start at seven." seungcheol reached out to his fiddling fingers, squeezing them comfortingly before springing up from the couch. wonwoo lifts his gaze up, receiving seungcheol's unspoken message which just breaks his heart more.

'i'll never leave you behind'

it hasn't even been half an hour since seungcheol left his side when someone else plopped at the barely abandoned spot, giant limbs occupying the most space on the couch for being spread so greedily. their right elbow resting over wonwoo's chest while their right thigh is hooked on top of his lap.

"let's stay here until seven and let's watch the snow together, nonu." wonwoo never showed it but the nickname causes a pinch against his heart everytime it comes out of a particular person's lips, that person currently sprawled on the space beside him.

"why?" 'why me? why not someone else?' it's almost crushing, how every feelings he has for mingyu wants to spill over the brim but wonwoo wouldn't let them go. wouldn't let them known. wouldn't let them out in the open.

"`wanna see it with you."

kim mingyu. the holder of his frail heart. how much he enjoys the pain that comes along with loving him.

"i've always wanted to see it with you. i've always dreamed of watching you, under the snow, beside me." mingyu turned his head to look at him, and he's caught staring but the former either didn't care nor didn't notice.

"you remind me of snow flakes, they look so beautiful in you." mingyu brushes a thumb against his cheeks, grazing his tactile fingers along the soft expanse of his snow white skin.

wonwoo lets out a half-assed huff, turning away. his heartbeats going crazy mad.

"snow flakes are cold, they make people sick. snow is dangerous, it causes accidents and hurts people. and snow doesn't last long. they melt, they disappear. as if they were never there in the first place."

mingyu's soft gaze glistens. for the second time, wonwoo did that. he hurt people. he makes people cry. people that are important to him. he fucking despises himself for doing so.

mingyu pulled wonwoo's collar, burying his crying face against the older's neck. sniffling audibly and wonwoo does nothing but press a small kiss to the taller's temple.

he stares ahead, catching seungcheol's worried gaze, rather pitiful, sympathizing. wonwoo hates it. he hates even more the soundless words that his hyung mouthed towards him.

'we love you'

______

he's seen himself in this situation quite a lot of times already. his feet bare, pressed above the cold surface of the bridge's ledge. wind blowing harshly against his skin. the night peaceful, and he's alone.

'just one step closer, wonwoo. you're almost there'

a single step is all that it takes.

it's exhilarating. how ready he is to put an end to everything. things that needed to stop. his life.

he stares up at the vast starless sky, even the moon is not visible.

'maybe they don't think it's worth their time watching you die.'

he bitterly laughs to himself, spreading his arms as if welcoming the cold breeze to freeze him and make him numb.

"am i going to be a star when i die?" he mutters against empty air. the cold wind swishes through his messy hair. wonwoo flashes a smile, a lone tear falling from his eye. he blinked twice before shutting his eyes completely, letting the wind take him as he slanted his body forward, ready to fall.

his body doesn't land in the cold water like how he anticipated, instead he crashed on top of a warm body, enveloping him tight.

wonwoo trashed, miserably, in regret, maybe relief. he almost died. almost.

another pair of hands cradled his hair, murmuring words he can barely understand because he's wailing, his cries are the only sound that he can hear along with the broken sobs his savior makes.

"come on, let's take you home."

home.

"i love you."

wonwoo wakes up to those three words, and a warm hand cupping his cheek in the gentlest way possible.

"i don't know what i'd do if you died there, not even hearing me tell you i love you." mingyu broke down, his face crumpling as hot tears streamed down his cheeks. his hand gripping against wonwoo's arms, with no plans of letting go, as if he's scared the older is going to slip away from his grasp, again.

"don't."

"too late." mingyu leaned closer, pressing his cold trembling lips against wonwoo's chapped bleeding ones.

would a kiss fix him? would mingyu's love repair everything that's broken in him? it's not even nearly possible. wonwoo is acutely aware of that.

"i'm still gonna die. sooner or later. i'll leave." wonwoo whispered against the other's lips. he can't pull away. he doesn't want to.

"i'd die with you."

"this isn't fucking romeo and juliet, mingyu." he chuckled painfully. his heart wanting to swell but everything going on seems too good to be true for him. he doesn't wanna believe. doesn't wanna get too hopeful.

"this can be anything we want it to be, hyung." mingyu kisses him again. both of their tears now flowing, they can almost taste them.

"you can't leave me. i won't let you."

maybe. no one knows. a kiss obviously doesn't heal pain, a kiss doesn't fix a broken soul, a kiss doesn't save someone who's long been dead. but maybe, mingyu can make it work. make it hurt less.

mingyu loves him. maybe wonwoo can live dealing with the pain easier for as long as mingyu stays. maybe he'd rather feel the pain as long as he has the person he loves the most with him.

love makes him hopeful, for once.


End file.
